I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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