Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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