Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
