You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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