Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
