Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
