I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
