Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so let's talk penis.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
