Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize