Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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