So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
