You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I want her autograph on my taint
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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