he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
