Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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