also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
