Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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