Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
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