totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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