Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize