I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
