you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
