kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
