you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
