They should really pass out barf bags in church
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
