Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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