you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
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When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
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Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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