Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
