when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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