you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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