So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?