Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
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Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
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My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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