the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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