i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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