You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
