worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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