did you get engaged???
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
