you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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