the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
