I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
