There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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