Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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