i may or may not be watching the land before time
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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