Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
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Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
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I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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