what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
