So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
