Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
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If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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