I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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