THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
