Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
