Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
