I can text with my tongue
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
