I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
