I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My life is pants optional.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
